Do you ever feel like your life won't slow down? You can't seem to ever find a moment to simply step back and breathe. It's all one big, scary blur, and you're starting to feel a little lost int he whirlwind of diapers and editing and maintaining your husband's pile of laundry.
Like a thong betwixt a pair of buns, I'm caught in between.
I realize that may sound like an oxymoron. How can your life be racing past you, yet simultaneously creeping along like that tiny old grandma who somehow always ends up in front of you on the highways? I catch myself having nostalgic moments at the most random times. Sawyer has really been loving forks lately. With the confidence and expertise of a child much older, she has transformed into a utensil-bearing baby (my scary reality). Every time she brings a speared bite of avocado to her lips, my heart breaks a smidge. Where did my baby go? Time, won't you stop for just a little bit?
On the other hand, I find myself consistently praying to make it through the week. Whenever Sawyer has a mini meltdown because weaning is apparently the hardest thing that's every happened in her fifteen months on earth or I get bored copy editing whatever novel I'm working on or I wish Gram could be a stay-at-home parent with me, I pray that my days will zip right on by. The stpud tick tok of the clock toys with me as time slinks on by. I can't help but wish it were tomorrow or next week or summer or next baby or time for babies to go to school. And so on and son on. Maybe it'll get easier then. Maybe when Sawyer can dress herself, I'll be able to take a longer than five-minute shower. Maybe then I'll have the energy to muster up a decent meal for my family. (Ha.)
Neither one of these mentalities is beneficial. Neither is satisfying. On the one hand, I never want to experience anything other than my current routine. I'm desperately clinging to the moments of today, never wanting my redheaded girl to gain another pound or learn another word. And yet, I want my present situation to speed right along to an easier time. (Again I say, ha.)
These perspectives make us miss things, BIG things. Our most satisfying moments are the daily makeup of our lives. Do we really want to miss it because our attention was elsewhere? Well, I sure don't. I want to find pleasure in my present, a true contentment in my day to day. I don't want to be constantly looking forward, no do I wish to be fixated with the rearview mirror. Because somehow I know, no matter what stage of life I'm in, my sinful heart will never be fully satiated. Without the contentment of Christ, I'll always be looking ahead or staring behind instead of enjoying the blessings of my present.