A Day in the Life

Monday, March 17, 2014

Okay. I can do this. We. Can. Do. This. We WILL do this.
That's right, Jena. Pretend like you have any kind of control over this situation.

I mean, it's just one meal. People with babies eat at restaurants all the time. It can't be that hard. You're eating food... just with a baby. Hopefully not a crying baby. We don't want to be those guys. But sometimes she just needs to cry. Or fart. Or poop. Or something. Maybe we should pick a loud restaurant or go to McDonald's so we'll still feel superior to everyone else even if our baby is screaming her head off.

Okay, okay. Getting off topic here.
Do I have everything? 8 extra outfits? 4 blankets? An entire box of diapers? Check, check, definite check. Damn, forgot the pacifier. Lord knows we're gonna need that. Unless we don't. Does she even like this thing? She's smart. Too smart. It's like she knows we're just placating her and cruelly holding off the tap. She'll learn, right? I mean, this boob buffet line has to have some points in the day where it's no longer open for business. Speaking of which, did I grab my nipple shield and hooter hider? Yes. Okay. I think we're set. Glad I just wasted ten minutes to get our crap in the car.

Man, she sure is adorable. Good job, loins. That headband. Kill me, it's so cute! Is it acceptable to not be as well dressed as your six-week-old? No? Well, I put on deodorant today to mask the crusty milk smell I've been rocking lately. Winner, winner.

Okay, we're leaving now. I've got her, our million bags, if only I could find my keys... Are they in my purse or diaper bag? Ugh, I got set everything down to search. Why do I keep switching between bags? Your purse is now going to hold diapers instead of unreasonable amounts of lipgloss. Just deal with it, Jena. Alright, found them. How did they end up in her diaper caddy? Sheesh.

This is great. Nothing can go wro... Oh noooo. Is that... is that...? Please Lord, do me this solid and tell me there isn't a solid sitting pretty in my daughter's new outfit... Hoooooly Toledo. How in the world? I set you down for two seconds! Even I can't poop that fast, and Grahm calls me the phantom pooper. Okay nobody panic. She's crying, but understandably so since World War II just happened in her drawers.

I'll just set her on the ground and change her real fast. Ahhh. It's all over everything. The Niagara Falls of poopy diapers. Oh crap. Crap just got all over our cream-colored rug. Not good, not good. Some people's dogs poop on their rugs, abut not us. Nope. Just our children.... Poor baby. She's going crazy. It's all over her outfit. And my hands. And her back...

Oh screw it, let's just order a pizza.

20 comments:

Heather said...

You should go read about the blow out my 11 week old daughter graced me with last week. Or the weekend we just go through. I. Can. Relate.

Ashley @ ThisUnscriptedLife said...

I can totally relate! I still go through this and Emily is 5 months old.... Good luck! =)

Kayla MKOY said...

Hahaha you kill me. I hope your first outing with her at a restaurant goes wonderfully ;)

Noelle said...

This is us to a tee! There is a never ending checklist just to get out the door and once we get out the door there is usually a diaper change needed- it never ends!

Emily said...

Hahaha, at least you can find the humor out of all of it...;)

Laura Piersall said...

Oh the pacifier. How many times we've forgotten that... Also, your blog looks awesome!

Meg {henninglove} said...

hahah this is hilarious and totally relatable. when i feed my son and my husband wants to go somewhere i am like go now we have to leave now we have about 3 hrs before he will need to feed so go go go now!!!

Allison said...

I love this. Pizza was a genius move. Haha. Were you able to save the carpet?

Breanna said...

Ha ha this is too funny. There are a lot of ways deal with motherhood and I'm happy to see (and read) that you are doing it the funny way!

www.goingupupandaway.blogspot.com

Lauren Peters said...

Hahaha this is so relatable. I promise it does get easier to go to dinner with a child... For a very small window of time. Absolutely, some nights it is just easier to stay in :)

And PS. Most days, at 15-months - Cam is STILL more put-together than me... :)

xoxo

Miki {Becoming What I Always Was} said...

ha ha. I would do the same, pizza it is!

Jena said...

Yep. Sounds like us trying to get out the door. I have to start getting ready at least 2 hours in advance, and then MAAAAAAAYBE we can get out the door 30 minutes after we intended to leave. What is it about babies that just make you lose your mind?

Brandi said...

Amazing!!

Vinton-Shellsburg Class of 2001 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melissa said...

This cracks me up! Happened to us as well the first time we went out, i was always so worried i would drop or lose my nipple shield! Hadley stopped using it around 11 weeks, so i am hopeful you will be able to wean Sawyer off it as well! The poop gets better too :) This post made me giggle during a busy day at work!

Ashley said...

How many times have these thoughts and this situation happened to me?!?! Too many to count! And how do they always manage to make a poop right before you walk out the door? (they really are smart...and sneaky...and adorable) :)

Pamela said...

I just love the way you write!! You have such a special gift for it!! You crack me up! Love the design changes!

Alove said...

sounds like y'all are having a delightful time ;)
i love the way you not only added humor (because come on we need it!) but that you're being real with how life is going!
and girl it is a-ok to not have everything together!

sarah e said...

Wow - rough. In that moment, just think about your mom and how much she loved you event when things like that happened. It always makes me so so grateful for my own incredible mama!

sarah e said...

Wow - rough. In that moment, just think about your mom and how much she loved you event when things like that happened. It always makes me so so grateful for my own incredible mama!