1. Whoa! Is that twins in there? ...Are you sure?
-I've gotten this question a few times. I guess it's fine (it's not) if you want to throw caution to the wind and make an over-sized lady feel even larger (wise move, pal), but what really chaps me up a wall is when they don't believe me. Yep. You caught me. It's really twins. I was only pretending to be an incubator for one child.
2. Looks like you're gonna have to be on bed rest, honey.
-There are really no words for this one. I know I'm waddling. I know I'm slow. But bed rest? Then again, I may be thinking about this entirely wrong. All day in bed with a bowl of ice cream and using the baby monitor to ask Grahm to bring me things? I think that's a life I could get on board with.
3. Well you look sure look like you could pop any minute!
-Translation: You're not gonna like go into labor right here are you? I get queasy easily. Also, you're ginormous.
4. Better enjoy [insert whatever activity you can think of] now.
-We get this one all the time. Essentially they're telling you the opposite of the Pringles slogan: "Once you pop, the fun totally stops." Enjoy your sleep... enjoy your date nights... enjoy whatever fun aspect of your life while you can cause your life is never going to be the same. I know these people don't mean to take a dump on our parade, but way to make us feel like Baby Girl is going to be the eternal fun-sucker. Not to mention, DUH. We are perfectly aware that there are lots of sleepless nights ahead, but let's just not bring those up, okay?
5. Did you swallow a basketball?
-Guilty as charged, my friend. I just couldn't resist that delectable orange rubber.
6. Should you really be eating that?
-I don't care if I'm eating enough to feed a third-world country, comments about my diet are about as necessary as the stretchmarks I recently discovered on my hindparts. Sancho, I'm a ravenous, hormonal blob. I'll eat you if I darn well please, so stand aside unless you're gonna help me refill my plate.
Congratulations, Helene! You won the $50 gift card to SomethingMadison!