Game Changer

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Pregnancy changes a lot of things. Your mentality. Your emotional stability. Your bra size. But maybe nothing so much as your shopping capabilities.

Yesterday since Pearson decided to give us the most random holiday off (thanks, Columbus) and my parents were no longer visiting us in San Antonio (whale face), I decided a little retail therapy was in order. Unfortunately, after almost three hours in the mall I found myself in need of actual therapy. (Grahm said this post could also been named #firstworldproblems.)

1. First of all, you tire easier. Sifting through racks and racks of clothes used to be your jam, but now you only want to be parked on the couch sifting through channels while some kind soul spoon feeds you ice cream. Seriously though. Never before have you contemplated not buying something simply because you didn't want to carry it from Macy's all the way back to Dillard's. You've also never considered asking the guy in the go-cart to be your personal chauffeur for the day. Apparently that's frowned upon...

2. Your favorite stores suddenly become obsolete. All the teeny bopper stores you used to thrive in no longer hold the key to your retail-therapy heart. You feel lost and alone and scared of all the string bean high schoolers who seem to be seriously judging you for daring to set foot in Forever 21. On the brink of sheer desperation and panic, you find yourself wandering into places you would normally only visit with your grandma like Talbots or Coldwater Creek. All to no avail.

3. Tissues are now a necessity. Waterworks happen in each and every store. Many times, you'll forget your current state. With blinding optimism you grab a colorful dress off the rack. It looks amazing on the size zero mannequin and probably would have been stellar on your pre-pregnancy bod. For a fleeting moment, you revert back to your pre-stretch mark days and try to wiggle into said garment. Suddenly, reality rears her ugly head and you're stuck in an extra small lace dress begging the poor girl in the changing room to help you make an escape.

4.  You can easily walk away with nothing. An all day shopping trip and I leave the mall empty handed? That, my friends, would have been impossible not too long ago (much to Grahm's chagrin). Now, I'm lucky if I step out of a store with something other than granny panties or another set of spanx.

5. And, of course, there are about 1.5 million things you now have to consider when choosing a dress. Normally, I think two things: Does this color look good/How much does it cost? Now, I have an encyclopedia-esque list to ponder when I trying things on. (Excuse me a minute while I get all outline on you.)

               a. Belly Button. It's a very weird thing to ask yourself "Will my belly button be visible?" when you're trying on a potential outfit. The answer? Always. I could be layered with every cardigan from here to Calcutta and that thing would still demand to be seen. Such a diva.

               b. Side zipper. Never in my life have I prayed that a dress wouldn't have the insufferable contraption on the side. It's hard enough to wiggle your round self into the slim jim of a dress without worrying about zipping.

               c. Form fitting. This is tricky. You're walking a dangerous line between potato sack and bachelorette party tight. You want to draw attention to your stomach so no one is guessing if that's yesterday's lunch or a baby, but not so much attention that they think your water is gonna drop it like it's hot at any given moment.

Moral of the story: The next baby shower you attend, compliment the bananas out of her dress. It may be the most foul chicken garment you've ever laid eyes on, but I guarantee you she spent more time hunting down a dress that was somewhat flattering than she did studying for her ACTs. (Sorry, Mom and Dad.)


Laura Nelson said...

amen amen! i can't stand it anymore. i can't buy pants, i can't buy shirts, and i'm way too afraid of swollen feet to dare to buy new shoes! looks like it's maternity hand me downs and rubber banding my jeans from now on.

Katie Did What said...

haha oh boy, something to look forward to! ;) The belly button part got me. I literally almost spit my coffee out.


bkshives said...

I was seconds away from emailing everyone to insist the dress code for my shower was pajamas only. So frustrating!!!!

Emilie Bordeleau-Laroche said...

Haha this is super cute! Especially the belly button part! I will definitely keep in mind to just compliment her on anything and everything (especially the dress)!

The Lady Okie said...

Oh my gosh. Your water dropping like it's hot. haha! How do you come up with this stuff? Hilarious!

Nicole said...

I had a frustrating moment yesterday too...I was also off from work and decided to peruse some of my favorite online shopping places (since I live 250 miles from the nearest decent mall). Victoria's Secret, Express...only to get pissed off, frustrated, and slamming my laptop shut (which did help a little! haha). My clothing selection is getting slim, and I've got 9 weeks to coworkers are going to start seeing a lot of the same things over and over here pretty soon!

Evelien said...

I totaly get what you mean! All I want to do is just sit on my sofa and never ever get out of the house again. It's just too tiring... I don't even try to find clothes haha :)

Jay T said...

The belly button thing cracked me up but some of my friends who have had babies had that same issue!! "I can't wear that, my belly button will show," and I was like uhhhhh that's a really weird thing to say. But now I get it. And I won't judge you if all you wear is a poncho until that baby girl comes (not that you need to because FYI you look beautiful!)

lo @ crazy ever after said...

Sounds like problems I have now. And I'm definitely not pregnant. I'd wear yoga pants to my baby shower and literally cat hiss at anyone who questioned that decision.

Denise Lopatka said...

amen sista!!! alas shopping will be fun again though. after the baby its like you got a brand new wardrobe, only you havent spent a dime :)