dodging a bullet

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

There's a reason men don't get pregnant. (Don't worry, this isn't a rant vouching for feminism and the ovaries of steel everywhere in the world.) This is a practical matter, really, stemmed from a conversation where Grahm very sweetly told a very hysterical me that he wishes he could do this "pregnancy thing" for me.

Sweet, yes. Probable, obviously not.

I think God in His wisdom knew exactly which gender to choose to carry on the human race. After all, I think He actually wanted people to, ya know, continue to exist. If men were the ones to get pregnant, the world would be a very, very different place (if there was a world at all...).

The amount of birthing classes and doctor's visits would surely decrease. Men don't need directions, right? Surrogates would cease to exist. Everyone would be an only child.

Men would also take competitive birth stories to an entirely new level. "Yeah, man. I went zero to fully dilated in like .45 seconds" and "See this wicked scar? Yeah, that's a stretch mark. Naval to sternum, baby!"

And can you imagine?
Dealing with a big baby who's carrying a little baby... for nine months? I don't know about your husband, but my man acts like an incapacitated Panda who's incapable of fending for himself when he has the sniffles. (Love you, babe.) The sniffles. I'm not sure how a man's body would react when Hiroshima comes knocking on his undercarriage getting the birth canal all ready. Mix their intolerance for pain with the emotional and hormonal stability of a ravenous hyena? Morning sickness might as well be categorized as a government-funded disability. Labor, a medical marvel.
via
I also don't think a man's tear ducts could handle the amount of crazy man blubbering that would surely happen over the 9-month gestational period. The Sahara can't suddenly become Seattle without some interesting consequences, people. (I knew one guy in college who cried over everything including the animated movie Tangled. Uh, yeah. Maybe he could do it.) But a normal, cry-only-when-someone-dies kind of guy? No way could he handle the emotional rampage. "What are these, feelings?"

So ladies, the next time you think "I can't handle this anymore" just think about how much worse you would have it if your man was the bloated, Orca whale instead... #yikes. I think we really dodged a bullet, ladies.

22 comments:

Erin LFF said...

Bahaha- amazing post, as always! The part about the man-cold is SO TRUE. It kills me how Jared will blow his nose like 2x and suddenly its a sinus infection... whereas I'd suffered a cold for 2 weeks and just took some meds and went about my normal life ;)

Jay T said...

Hahahahaha. This is so true :) GAH the crying, men couldn't take it! I'm speaking from my sister's experience; she didn't cry that much but she was a mess of emotions and her husband wouldn't have been able to handle it!

Elise Cooper said...

This post reminded me of a youtube video I watched awhile back. It was two Turkish men going through labor pain simulations. I couldn't find it but I did manage to find this video which is significantly shorter but still made me smile. There just something about men in the fetal position that does that to me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppzV6hoPkIc

Meghan said...

& all the women of the world say amen!

Pamela said...

hahaha hilarious!! Love it! Especially about being competitive!!

Ashley said...

Hahaha this is hilarious!! And soo true!! Great post!

Kalyn V said...

Oh gosh the man cold, you would think they were dying! I know for a fact Derek couldn't mentally or physically handle pregnancy or birthing a child!

Ashley Wright said...

Haha this is awesome and so true! Not only would they be competitive about whose labor was fastest, I'm sure baby birth weights would be the second biggest competition! :)"You had a 7lbs baby? Mine weighed 10lbs!"

Venassa said...

My boyfriend definitely wouldn't survive it. He complains for days about getting a cavity filled, even complains about the freezing. A cold is the equivalent to a near death experience. I think you've summed it all up perfectly.

Laura Nelson said...

hahaha! this is completely perfect. my mom told me if men had half the amount of estrogen women have during pregnancy, they would hibernate the whole nine months.

Sam said...

If men were to birth our children, the human race would just shrivel up die because I don't know a single man who could go 9 whole months without a beer LOL.

KatyK said...

SO TRUE!!! My ex husband is the worst when he's sick. Its like the whole world stops. I remember when I was in labor asking him to hold my hand. His response? 'I'm just too tired to stand next to the bed.' We dodged a bullet for sure.

Jamie K. said...

This is great! :) Totally agree even though i've never experienced childbirth I can only imagine if the roles were reversed!

Katie said...

I have seen so many guys I know, when they are sick with just a cold, act like they are on their death bed. God certainly knew what he was doing when women were the ones to give birth. also, this post totally made me laugh.

Emilie Bordeleau-Laroche said...

Hahahaha!!!! This post just made my day!
I can just imagine the men reading this going "Nooooo! That's not true!"

The Lady Okie said...

oh man this was funny. The man cold! It's so true! I think this is what people should warn you about when start dating/get married. No one warned me, and I was like, what the crap is going on? MAN UP.

Jillian Hopkins said...

I laughed so hard at this post. I think my reading experience was made better because my husband was sitting right next to me saying "yup, that's about right". ;) Thanks for the great laugh!

Nicole Shea said...

Awesome! So right! Have you seen the labor simulator of the two guys experiencing contractions??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw5ayibQ-E0

Kayla Peveler said...

LOVE this post. Hahah, you're amazing. Caleb made me leave the fan off while we slept for THREE WHOLE WEEKS because he didn't want to make his "sniffles" even worse.... sooo I'm right there with you.

Kelsey Eaton said...

Hahaha love this.

Mason's Mama said...

Hysterical! I love this.

julia rose. said...

oh my gosh i am dyyyying over here!! hahahahah... especially because Matt has a sinus infection right now and you'd think he had a brain tumor or something. men... they just can't handle it.