Dear Neighbor's Dog,

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I know you've had a jam-packed morning of teaching that long blade of grass a (very loud) lesson for flapping in the breeze so willy nilly, which allow me to add is invaluable to your non-deaf community, but please take a few moments to read and ponder this letter from a disgruntled neighbor. (This is best done in silence.)

First let me say, be ever so thankful a wooden fence separates us. By now I would have gone all Johnny Depp Secret Window on your skull. (It involves a screwdriver if you've never seen the film.)

You see, my raucous friend, we have some issues . . . to put it mildly. It is of the utmost importance that we resolve these problems before they become really big (bigger than the gifts you so kindly leave in our front yard)--aka when I have a sleeping (key word) infant in my house.

Until recently, I have taken my disdain for your constant banter and buried it deep into the backyard of my heart (an analogy you understand, yes?). But now I am coming out of my "I don't like canines" closet, loud and proud. You have left me with no choice.

I'm imploring you to turn your neurotic behavior around. There's still time, my friend. Someone somewhere thinks your ear-piercing, soul-crushing yips in the wee hours of the morning are cute (bless them), but I would be willing to bet you a fine pig ear they would find a docile, silent creature just as lovable... if not more so.

Think about it. More belly pats? More behind-the-ear rubs? I'm offering you a wonderful trade off here. It's a win win. And what's more, you will forever change your neighbor's opinion of dogs--an invaluable thing, my friend. You alone have the power to change this bitter woman's opinion of all your canine companions. Let Spiderman's uncle's words ring true: "With great power comes great responsibility."

Affectionately,
Your Wish-I-Was-Deaf Neighbor

P.S. Whispering is fun.

17 comments:

Lauren said...

this is hilarious. Sorry you are having to deal with this! :(

k8te said...

oh man, i feel your pain. we somehow lucked out with the biggest quietest dog around....but the neighbor? his 2 dogs bark alllll the time. wee hours of the morning? doesn't matter. in his defense he does take them inside IF he's home. but when he's not home? they have a DOG door. when we have kids and those dogs are barking alllll the time? there will be passive aggressive notes.

Lauren said...

ugh. dogs barking + sleeping babies = crazy mama (complete with twitching eye)

i even smack our OWN dogs if they start barking while Cam is asleep. one morning, our neighbors dog was outside barking a 4 AM(!!!!) and i was laying in bed whispering to ryan, "so help me god, that %^$#$&)% dog better shut the %^$# up and better not %^$#$&)% wake up that baby."

you could always talk to the neighbor once baby time is closer and kindly ask that they bring the beast inside :))

oliveoyl64 said...

so happy our little piece of the street is canine free. Our landlord despises dogs, but will allow felines. I say throw the "gifts" back in the rightful owners yard, or bag it and leave it on their front porch.

Jamie said...

Oh that is the worst.

KatyK said...

This is why I have a cat....that dude is quite as heck. No annoyed neighbors here!

Laura Ann said...

Haha! Rude! maybe you should "accidentally" let their dog out. Or you know, run it over.

Amy said...

the fact that you just referenced secret window...that was amazing.
:( sad day about that though....hopefully he will simmer the heck down.

Sarah Smith said...

Aw! I'm definitely a dog lover, but the yappiness is SO annoying!! Hope that situation somehow resolves itself!

Kaity said...

Seriously! Have I mentioned how much I love your writing lately?! You're such a sassy little whippersnapper! ;)

Courtney Carlton said...

Wait. Jena. Omg. I wrote a post 100% just like this less than a month before we found out we were pregnant last year. I think there's something to be said about early pregnancy hormones NOT mixing with annoying dogs. I feel your pain sister.

PS love your writing :)

Seriously though. http://bolovescourt.blogspot.com/2012/08/did-you-hear-what-happened-to-courtney.html

Amanda Bumgarner said...

Ha! "an analogy you understand, yes?" You're funny. Barking dogs are not.

Kayla Peveler said...

You are hilarious. I HATE when dogs don't stop barking. That is the worst!

Allison said...

Oh no!! I hope he heeds your advice. Haha!

Petchie said...

Ahh so annoying! My neighbors dogs do this at random times in the day too, its so annoying!

xoxo
Petchie
http://psblogbook.blogspot.com/

Katie said...

THE SECRET WINDOW PART. I died of laughter! Btw, is it disturbing that is one of my favorite movies ever? Cause it is. Poor Chico never stood a chance against that screwdriver.

Neighbor's dogs are SO annoying. I am sorry you have to put up with that.

Kathryn Lavers said...

Finally I have found a fellow blogger who is not obsessed with dogs. I was beginning to believe I was alone.

A few years ago I had a neighbor who had two small yappy dogs that she let outside at 5 am. The worst part was she went back to bed and left them out their barking for hours. She was not my favorite person.