Confessions of a Bad Kisser

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It happened over a Taco Bell meal. Grahm was sitting atop our island, nonchalant as ever. I was standing up, chowing down on a 5-layer burrito like it was my last supper. And then we, in our usual fashion over cheap beans and cheese, started to reminisce. The topic: our first kiss.

We love to laugh about it now, because it was a complete train wreck. Messy and confusing. Essentially, I played it like I play a round of paintball--afraid of getting pelted, dodging at every corner. (Retreat, retreat, retreat.)

He thought I was about as interesting to kiss as a corpse, I thought he was as overzealous as a pubescent teen. I was like a blind scuba diver just praying I could come up for air, and he was like a medic trying to breathe life into his dying patient. It's a wonder we ever recovered, honestly.

So over our abundant meal of I-regret-this-five-minutes-after-eating-it burritos and funny memories, I told my sweet husband, "It's a good thing you have me. I taught you everything you know about kissing." Immediately, he guffawed in my face. He practically spewed "refried" beans in my face.

And then he said it, those seven life-changing words: "Babe, I'm a better kisser than you."

An awkward silence passed between us when I realized that he wasn't joking. Dead pan (like how my dishes look after I cook). He was as serious as a the wedgie that ensues from running in a thong.

Obviously, I didn't take this revelation well. Three years of kissing and all this time, he's thought he's better? The nerve. As if that wasn't enough, he even had a list of reasons why he's apparently more skilled than I am.

After he presented his dissertation on How Mr. Roach is Better than Mrs. Roach, I whined in my best two-year-old voice. "YOU DON'T THINK I'M A GOOD KISSER!? I'M YOUR WIFE. I'M PRETTIER THAN YOU, SO I'M BETTER... RIGHT?"

He back-tracked, smart man, and claimed he never said I was "bad" only that he is "better." But whatever, the deed has been done. Apparently, I need to start busting out the special moves I've been saving for later on down the road. (Ha.)

So if you need me, I'll be in therapy.
And oh, and in case you were wondering, yes . . . our first kiss after this conversation was incredibly awkward and hilarious.

This caption could be a thought bubble for Grahm: "Ewwwwww!"

37 comments:

Nagehan said...

Well, at least you've moves you've been saving for later! He better watch out. xo

put a bow on it [kaitlyn] said...

that wedgie from running in a thong line - killed me. you are hilarious and I needed this laugh!

Alexa said...

Oh my goodness, I can't even handle this! Hahaha
I always tell Glenn he's lucky he's a good kisser, or else I would've hightailed it outta that date like my nips were on fire. Even luckier? If he did think I was a bad kisser, he's smart enough to lie and tell me I'm stupendous! Oh marriage, what a fun adventure :)

Love and Such said...

hahaha what the HECK Grahm!! So funny!
Our first kiss was awful too- he went in for it and I didn't know becuase I was turned the other way- we bonked heads and he ended up kissing my eye rather than my lips.. it was a disaster!

Kalyn V said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kalyn V said...

Haha this is too funny. I think at least 9/10 first kisses are either awkward, bad, messy, or a combination of all three.

Also...running in a thong...never a good idea.

k8te said...

hahhaha this is too funny! and your new blog look is amazing, i love it! funnily enough i think my first kiss with my husband was pretty awesome...THEN we went on a first date, then had an awkward kiss. we like to do things backwards :)

Kayla Peveler said...

Hahahaha oh my goodness, I needed a good laugh. You two are amazing!

Maxine said...

Hahaha!! the first kiss is always awkward.... then the "goodbye" kisses are even more awkward. WHYYYY?!

Katie said...

This is so funny! Kisses are always awkward when you actually think too much about it.... (Love the new blog look, by the way!)

Tamara said...

My husband insists he's a better kisser than me too! I'm going to use your argument from now on because seriously there's no way someone with chest hair is prettier than me.

Rachael said...

Hahaah this is so hilar. :) How can either of you know who's better? It's not like you can make-out with yourself to know what it's like. Solution: you'll both have to kiss a stranger on the street and have him/her judge.

Amy said...

I somehow had an amazing first kiss, you know...aside from the teeth banging.

I think we all think we're the better kisser because we kiss how we want to be kissed. So his argument is moot.

Melissa said...

This cracks me up! I have a feeling my husband feels the same way, but I'll never ask for fear of having to join you in therapy. :)

Amy said...

hahaha! My last relationship....he wasn't the "best" kisser...but by the time we broke up, he was a pro...i'm a great teacher ;) hahah
This is seriously an amazing conversation, i would be VERY curious to hear multiple couples talk about this..."who thinks who is a better kisser"...oh gosh yes so fun!

Allison said...

This is awesome!! At least you can say he didn't marry you because of your kissing abilities...or lack of them. Isn't that what all the fairy tales claim is important? Haha.

Sami said...

Too funny! I've always been super confident in the fact that I was a good kisser and obviously superior to all of my kissing partners. I wonder what they would say if I asked them ;)

Helene said...

hahaha omg! that is funny. i am sure you are a stellar kisser. this might have just inspired my next blog post...

funsizetessa said...

I'm absolutely dying!

Emily said...

haha! this story gets 10+ bonus points because it happened over a taco bell meal. LOVE it!

Ashley said...

He just wanted you to talk about how amazing he was at kissing! :-)

Katie said...

Lol this is seriously hilarious!! I think first kisses are always doomed no matter what. If my husband ever told me that I wasn't a good kisser I would freak out.

Sarah said...

SO funny! I love it!

Kerrie Williams said...

haha you tell a good story, Jena. that's for sure!

Lindsay @ Trial By Sapphire said...

I just arrived at your blog via Whitney's tweet, and I'm laughing hysterically about this story! Oh, my gosh. I mean, at least he was just talking about kissing, right? Umm... silver lining? ;)

Meg Cady said...

A. I am with Lindsay ^^ I AM SO GLAD I WASNT PAYING ATTENTION IN MY MEETING AND SAW WHIT's TWEET.
B. There are two things in my relationship my boy and I will never agree who kissed who first (thanks chardonnay) and whether he actually invited me to his formal... both of which remind me of this post.
C. I AM FROM SA ( been doing some about me stalking) SO MUCH FUN! (I live in Houston now but still)
D. I LOVE YOUR BLOG!

The end.

Jana said...

This was so funny! I think first kisses are always awkward. It's a rule or something. My husband and I had a similar discussion about our first kiss. I accidentally whacked him in the face while he was kissing me. Smooth. Real smooth. Loved this! :)

Ashley Markowski said...

haha This had me dying laughing.
My husband and my first kiss was pretty hilarious too.

Arisa said...

Thank you for your lovely comment!
Would you like to follow each other? Please let me know! :)

Whitney said...

I'm SO glad that my two besties Lindsay and Meg ^^ came to stalk your blog!!

This definitely sounds like a convo my hubby and I would have. Except I totally taught him all he knows about kissing because I'm his second kiss ever. :)

Holly said...

Ouch :/ But hey, on the bright side he still loves you and has been with you for 3 years (I think)..sooo that's something, right?! At least you can joke about it a bit now :)

ngnrdgrl said...

Girl! You make me laugh so much! And nice new web design!

Sam said...

First kisses are always incredibly awkward!! But least you can (kind of) laugh about it now ;)

btw I am loving your new blog design!!!

CoastWithMe said...

Oh my goodness. This is my worst fear.......I'm dreading this moment.

Becca Moss said...

oh my goodness, oh no he didn't even go there! I'm dying over here laughing.

Jade Wright said...

Hahahahaa this made me splutter with laughter right in my work office right now!! -blush!-

www.bohemianmuses.blogspot.com

Urban Flowerpot said...

Oh my gosh ::dies::