nice try, mom

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

My dear mother, God bless her. She tried. She really, really did. But despite her best efforts to raise a lady, she got a farting, finger-licking, housework-inept daughter son (with the with the chest to match!). My failure as wife/female of the year isn't exactly new, unlike the Mount Vesuvius zit that erupted on my nose this morning. Maybe if dear ol' mom had bellied up and buckled down, I'd be able to dangle my lady fingers in the pool of femininity like the rest of y'all.

Here's a list of things mom should've taught me. (Read: She tried, but nothing stuck... unlike that bacon burger I jammed into the hole in my face yesterday. #Regrets)

1. How to walk down the stairs wearing heels. I swear I look like I'm a drunk penguin waddling down the steps, gripping the stair rail like I'm defying death. It's a freakin' Cirque du Soleil act. Crap is terrifying. My tombstone is gonna read: "Here's bo-legged Berthe. Hope there ain't a stairway to heaven like Zeppelin thought."

2. How to eat. . . or should I say, refrain from eating. Cramming food into my gut is my one true talent. But mom should've (she did) warned me that I wouldn't always be able to carry on with my pubescent eat-everything-in-sight-like-a-pregnant-lady-about-to-give-birth-to-octuplets diet. That no, in fact, I won't always be able to pound four bowls of cereal, a roll of cookie dough, Doritos, and a whole pizza every night without turning into the spawn of the Pillsbury Dough Girl and the Michelin Man. Damn metabolism.

3. How to apply makeup. She let me go all goth-tastic in 10th grade, literally giving myself two black and blue eyewinkers. (Blue eyeshadow is about as attractive as John Travolta's butt chin.) I looked like I was one depressing poem away from slitting my wrists. Suffice it to say, my capabilities have barely improved. I just no longer look like a dumpy clown who got a bad lip job.

4. How to refrain from belching and farting. I'm not sure if you're aware, but bodily functions don't exactly have an off switch--at least mine sure don't. They're always there, footloose and fancy free. Mom probably should've let me in on her secrets to camoflauging her heinous odors since I've literally heard her fart once in almost 24 years (she was laughing too hard). She's apparently a genius at stealth mode. She should work for the FBI or something.

Nice try, mother dear. Thanks for trying your best.

24 comments:

Annabelle said...

You are hiliarious Jena! #4 is my favorite! ;)

Melissa Knott said...

HA HA!!! In all honesty, other than sleeping, my husband and I don't fart around eachother. It's our "thing" :) HA!

Nicole said...

I have 2 sisters, and my mom always taught us that "ladies pass gas when they're in the privacy of their own bathroom." Well thank the LORD my dad taught us otherwise! (in the same household too-my parents aren't divorced). My mom still lives by that, as does one of my sisters, but my other sister and I? We're talking about leaning into one, crop-dusting, and have regular conversations about poop. I like it better that way!

Allison said...

You are too funny...I have no clue how to apply make-up or walk down the stairs in heels either!

Paige Brown said...

Oh my goodness- this cracked me up to tears!

Kelsey Lenay said...

Haha I love this! You are hilarious Jena!

XO, Kelsey

Rachael@HomeSweetHarbor said...

OMG, I totally cracking up right now. Let's see some of those gothic pics!!

Amie said...

You are too much!! love it!

http://herestohappinesses.blogspot.com/

Emily said...

i love reading your posts...you always make me smile! just wait til you get pregnant...there's more gas hanging around, so the belching and farting get worse! oh, the things to look forward too! :)

Lauren said...

Haha! So funny! Your mama is so proud! :)

Ashley from The Kitchen-Sink Chronicles said...

You just made milk come out my nose... thanks! LOL.

Sam said...

LOL! Glad to know I'm not the only one who can't contain my burps haha

xoxo

Emily said...

Haha, my mom used to tell me that she never farts and we were only allowed to burp in our bedrooms. Knew #1 was a lie and only broke #2 1000 times a day!

Leslie @ Body Won't Break said...

Pretty sure my mom also feels the same way. She really tried but it's hard to silence burps and farts.

Amanda* said...

You just made me want a burger!

PS: You are so pretty and I don't think your hair sucks :)

Faith Ann said...

You make my day everytime I read your blog! I feel exactly like you do! Growing up with three brothers kinda cursed me to have boyish qualities. Oh well! :)

Sara said...

This is hysterical. This made me LOL: (Blue eyeshadow is about as attractive as John Travolta's butt chin.) So hilarious...and TRUE.

Just know, you are not alone. I too have problems walking down the stairs in heels, applying make-up and doing my hair, and I belch with uncontrollable force.

Erin said...

First off- your mom is adorable! What a fun picture :)

And girl- I can burp with the best of them... I tried to scale that back for awhile when Jared and I were dating, but it's just something ya' can't hide forever ;) And I cannnnnot wear heels, I'm terrible at it. I'm almost always in flats!

Nagehan said...

Aw! It'll get better. You'll learn :) You can google everything!!!

Shay said...

You are my kind of girl! Hilarious. I happen to like John Travolta, though!;-)

Kim said...

I love how straight forward you are! I was (am still am) #4 especially with an Uncle being the king of pull my finger! Somethings you just can't grow out of! I'm 27 and let me tell you I felt like once I hit 25 said metabolism ceased to exists! Now you have to workout! And the body starts to change...that burger goes to your belly instead of your butt or boobs where it was ok! Love you and your posts!!

Lis said...

Hey Jena! Love your bloggin' skillz! =)

Hannah Heres said...

I'm a new follower and love your blog!!! I laughed out loud at this post :) too funny!!

-Hannah
hanspirations.blogspot.com

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