make. it. stop

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Guys, it finally hit me. The bug. The fever. The plague (as my friend so affectionately named it). I thought I was strong; I thought I'd be different... but nope. After almost a year and a half of marriage, visions of nurseries and plump baby buns are dancing in my head.

This is a problem. I promised Grahm when we bought the house that we wouldn't have a little Roach baby for two years. So I've got to nip this is in the uterus, my friends. And fast. Maybe I should slap on some maternity pants and hook my skeeter bites up to a breast pump to get a real mental picture of motherhood. Maybe I should offer to babysit octuplets. Maybe I should get a puppy.

Or maybe I should make a list of reasons that babies aren't always ... easy breezy lemon squeezy.

1. Liquids of all kinds: Poop, milk, and puke -- oh my! I'm not ready for poop to be the topic of everyday conversation. How much did she go today? What color? Texture? Just... no. I'm also not fully prepared to sniff another human's rumposaurus like it's totally normal. Then I have to actually handle the party in my baby's diaper. Like every day. Ghastly amounts of it. No amount of wipes, cloth diapers, or Huggie Supremes will ever make that an acceptable situation.

And then there's the whole thing with my chest becoming the "land flowing with milk and honey." Mooo, Jena, moooo. Yes, it's beautiful... it's just so... awkward. What if I have TWINS? Mooo.
 
2. Lack of sleep: Sleep is really the only thing I'm talented at. Give me a warm blanket and a couple of hours, and take some notes on how a real woman naps. Take that away from me and what will I be? A wrinkley, crab-apple who opts for fifteen more minutes of sleep than taking a shower (wait, that's true right now).

3. Babysitters: As if the little rodent wasn't sucking your wallet dry already, they even cost you money to spend some time away from them! Spontaneous trip? Movie date? Gotta pay extra for some kid to watch the kiddos, and then you'll spend the whole time worrying that the babysitter is making out with a boy on your sofa while little Jimmy plays with the kitchen knives. Good thing we've got in-laws in town. (Yes, Papa Roach I'm volunteering you. Hope you didn't make plans for two years from now.)
 
4. Stretch marks: Now, I'm not saying this busted can of biscuits is looking really good these days. But at least under all the flub, I know there ain't no permanent scars. Wounds of love, I know. I'll carry those with pride one of these days, but until then... maybe I should just enjoy bikini season and not being compared to a used rubber tire?

5. Did I mention poop yet?

This list didn't work. I still want one... even if I'll forever be labeled a butt-sniffing, stretch-marked, hygiene-questionable cow who hasn't had sleep or a shower in months. It'll all be worth it for a little boy who looks just like his sweet daddy did.

Someday, guys. Someday.
Until then, my grubby hands will avoid holding chubby chunks of love.

38 comments:

Nagehan said...

:) J & I are trying!

Veronica Lee Burns said...

Just make good friends with people who are willing to tell all about pregnancy and birth...I promise it'll nip that baby fever quick!
My co-workers are my constant birth control haha

KatyK said...

Lol....another thing is...they grow up. The cute adorable baby, becomes a cute adorable six year old, with a mouth, and a temper, and this whole little person personality. Which is why everytime I find myself with the fever....I try and cuddle on the couch with Boomer and she starts in 'Mooooommmm....lemme go....ok I'll cuddle but only if we watch Nick....Mommy stop kissing me.....' Yep...baby fever cured.

Bethany Grow said...

bahaha i love this. i'll have to come back to this when i feel the slightest hint of baby fever! oh poop. that's a good enough reason for me at the moment. dealing with my bunny poop is bad enough! and those are just little pebbles! oh. i might recommend getting a good cuddly rabbit to help you out in case this list doesn't work on some days. it's a good reminder to me that when i have kids, i won't be able to lock them in the dark bathroom with their litter when they are bad... and in the meantime you get to hold it and pet it and get stuff done while it silently hops around.

Kara G said...

Heyy there, I am a new reader (and blogger) and I just love what you write! Crackin me up.

I don't know if you were serious about getting a puppy, but for reals that has TOTALLY stopped me from getting any sort of baby fever whatsoever. I love my little dog more than anything, but we have only had him for three months and can you say WAKE UP CALL! We've had to add "responsibility" to our couple resume, which formerly included a simple "fun" and "drunk". He has really taught us what responsibility is! I'd say it's a great stepping stone though and wouldn't have it any other way!

Samantha said...

Get a dog ASAP!!

Kate said...

You forgot the forever changed lady parts... At first (when milk comes in) you rock what looks like implants... Perky, full and your husband can't keep his hands off your sore ladies. Then there is the changes to the northern region ... You haven't birthed a baby until you enjoy an ice pack on the swollen lady bits ...

All things considered ... I'd talk to your hubby... Plans change all the time. We said no kids for 5 years well we made it 1.5 years then desperately wanted babies... Plans change

Genna said...

I'm not even married yet but when my cousin and her husband had one I automatically told my fiance we needed two ASAP. I was hooked. This post is all so, so true, but they're just so damn cute! Although, our puppy helps take some of the need away. I recommend one of those first ;)

Stormy said...

Girl I hear ya! Hubs & I have been married for almost three months and I've got baby fever BAD! We agreed to wait a year & until we've bought a new house...yikes.

C said...

I've got the baby bug, too! AAAH! Trying to trust that God will make it happen when He wants it to! :) xo C

Katie said...

Want me to talk to you about c-section recovery and deflated boobs? ;) Kids are wonderful and you will never be fully "ready" for all that comes along with them. It just all comes once they're there. (although I would kind of like to not have the deflated boobs part haha)

Jana said...

This made me laugh SO hard. You totally nailed some of the less enjoyable components of motherhood--with a sense of humor that is so characteristic of you I might add. Despite the poop, lack of sleep, and feeling like a milk machine all day every day, there really is no greater joy than being a mommy. You'll totally know when you're ready. Or if you're like me you'll wake up one day and it will be "Oh snap, birth control fail! We're having a surprise baby!" :)

Courtney Carlton said...

Orrr sometimes you make a plan... and God blesses you with HIS plan instead! AKA - what my husband and I are dealing with right now :) So if you're ever looking for a laundry list of positives and "here's to hoping that babies actually may be easy breezy lemon squeezy" - let me know. I'm your gal!

But seriously... isn't life funny?

Katie Did What said...

Ugh, even after your amazingly true and awful at the same time list, doesn't change a thing. I still want one, too!!!!

xo

Pamela said...

haha too cute! You should def get a puppy in the mean time!!! :)

Pamela said...

I have baby fever too AND I am single so its way worse LOL!! ;)

Helene said...

hahaha love this post. i am complete opposite. no desire! here's why: freedom, travel! i just want to do so much! but i get why so many people want to, they are cute!

Miki {Becoming What I Always Was} said...

A puppy will cure baby fever. I swear the only reason I don't even think about a baby bump of my own is because of my puppy. They are HARD work! She really tested J and I in our relationship, and she wears me down and makes us fight. I love her to death, but puppies are SO HARD and she can be left at home for hours, and put in her kennel when she misbehaves. BUT a baby you can't leave alone for hours.. or so I hear. You sure would have a freaking cute baby though!

Melissa Knott said...

Oh gosh. I'm new at this whole baby thing (6 weeks into it) and while I would never reconsider my current situation, it would've been nice to have people be HONEST about all of the events leading up to and shortly after child birth. Oh. Em. Gee. I would've been a tad more mentally prepared. I now vow to never sugar coat anything.

k8te said...

i totally have the fever too! we've only been married 8 months, but i am itching! we got a puppy, and he is a TON of work. i almost think a baby might be easier, they're not trying to eat the couch (at least at first). that list didn't cure me either! ;)

Allison said...

You are hilarious!!! I haven't been bitten by this little bug yet, but I'm sure my day will come. Good luck!

Jenna said...

Oh my gosh, this is too funny!!! I know exactly what you mean too! Seems like everyone at work is having babies (it's in the water I swear)! And lets not forget the millions of Facebook mommies and kiddo updates :) Seriously makes it impossible not to want them, right!? lol

xo, Jenna

Kell said...

Whenever I get a little bit of baby fever, I spend some time with my niece. Makes that problem go RIGHT away.

Kristina from Everything Changes said...

You are a HOOT. I love your posts. Seriously, get a puppy. It'll help more than you know. And when that stops working? Get another puppy. Haha. That's what we did! And I am fever-free.

funsizetessa said...

I'm baby hungry!!!! The worst part is that it's me telling my husband no we have to wait. Takes much strength.

Liz Brown said...

If truth be told ... one thing I actually kind of look forward to about being pregnant someday, is the hopeful expansion of my bosom. Every little bit counts. :)

stephanie said...

sleep sleep sleep! enjoy it while you can. I feel like I haven't slept in over 4 years haha. I wish I had enjoyed that more pre-kiddos ;)

Kelley Gilster said...

Yep. That list just pushed my baby clock back 4 years…I am so far away from getting the bug right now. Yess get a puppy!!!

Jenna said...

Haha! I went through a serious baby-crazy phase around a year ago, but it's mellowed out since. I think it's because a few of my friends have welcomed little ones in the world, so I've had my fair share of poop talk, tales of sleep deprivation.... and more tales of sleep deprivation ;) still in a couple years time I think I'll be ready to face the poop and tiredness myself!

xxx
Jenna

CoastWithMe said...

LMAOOOOOO ROFLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! I SERIOUSLY LOVE YOU! LIKE A FEMALE CRUSH:)!!! YOU MUST HAVE BEEN RELATED TO ME IN MY PAST LIFE!!!! First of all, I've been wandering through life...kind of aimlessly. Not knowing what I'm good at/what my talents are. Now I know. SLEEP. We should have a sleep off lol! And my sister had a baby a couple of years ago... and shes probably had 24 hours of sleep. In 2 years. That should scare you enough to put it on hold for another two years. Until then...enjoy your beauty sleep :)!

Lori Ann said...

You are so precious! Found you over @ The Rustic Pig. You're newest follower :)

Mrs. H said...

Oh my goodness. This post had me giggling up a storm! I know he feeling all too well, except I never got I'd of the fever. My husband and I were married in April 2011 and found out we were pregnant that July. Definitely not our planned timetable, but not one we would change! As for your list: 1 & 2 really arent that bad. 3 is manageable. more often than not friends and family volunteer and in the beginnin you dont want to leave anyways. 4 i never got. and again, 5 is not that bad! heavensenthunleys.blogspot.com

Carlee said...

A year and a half of marriage is about when the bug bit me, too. Except I didn't do a good job of fighting it off. :)

Be strong. You can do it!

Holly said...

It'll happen when you guys are ready ;) Until then just play with other people's babies and enjoy being able to give them back!

Denise Lopatka said...

it will happen trust me! god's timing is wayyy better than ours :) xox

Harley said...

oh my goodness! but babies are seriously.... so cute! i am having this same problem hahah.

bkshives said...

baby fever! ahhh! It is truly brutal, but your list does numb the pain a bit :) you forgot to mention that those millions of diapers you will have to change cost about a million dollars to buy. There goes my new wardrobe for my post baby body (eek!) Love your blog!

http://evereverafterjbs.blogspot.com/

Rachel said...

I've been married two years and the baby fever has definitely not come to me yet! Oh well, one of these days it probably will come...