Mom-sters, a club I never want to join

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Let's face it. I kind of have the best job ever. I get to take care of two adorable twins... aaaaand I get to pass them off to their parents for night time. Chaaa ching. Nothing says "I wanna see that baby again" like having a full eight hours of Zzzs. Grahm (usually) doesn't require me to rock him back to sleep.

That being said, I still have to/get to deal with not so fun parts of babies. Today I got pooped on, peed on, spit on, and screamed at with an incredible force for someone who weighs a whoppin' nine pounds. Literally. I didn't know it was possible to pee through your diaper and your onesie onto my shirt. But dear Lord, it definitely is... especially when your diaper is loaded for bear(s). That was more poop than one should ever have to deal with...

Today Nicola (the twins' wonderful mother) and I went to Mommy and Me Yoga. Yes, these things really do exist. Anna was a little cranky for it, so we didn't get to fully enjoy all the different warrior poses. (Talk about ruining the "meditation" circle.) It's kind of scary/intimidating/crazy when a bunch of new mothers get together in one room with their little ones. My friend, Blayne, even warned me of this. You should read her hilarious post here.

Judge-freakin-city. Everyone is examining everyone. Their babies. Cute, well-behaved, well dressed? How the mother is doing weight wise? (Oooo I've lost sooo much more pounds than her, and my baby is younger. Clearly, I'm the better mother.) They also (my personal favorite) like to judge you based on your baby's capabilities (like they have anything to do with it). (Ooooo my baby can roll over AND sit up. Ha! Yours is sooo incompetent. Clearly, I'm an all-star mom.)

Also, we all have to love the birth stories. "I had an all natural birth. No epidural, no C-section. I even had a midwife. Hospitals are just sooooo bad for the baby." Obviously your vagina, Mrs. Mom, is lined with gold. Excuse the rest of us for being so weak that we may have done things a teensy bit differently than you. Why is this a trump card? Get over yourself, cause we all are. 

If that wasn't enough, there's also (what I've lovingly named) the boob buffet. 
Come on, ladies. We know your kid needs to eat, and I wholeheartedly want you to feed your infant. However, I do not (under ANY circumstances) want to see your boobs flying every which way. Good grief, I just ate lunch. The last thing I want to see is your kid going to Chow Town on your chest. Yeah, yeah it's a beautiful picture of motherhood. Yeah, yeah it's good for them. But do we, the unsuspecting strangers who just so happen to be in the same space as you, need to SEE all the itty gritties involved?

No ma'am. We do not.

So thankful the twins' mother is as far from a mom-ster as possible. We get a kick out of watching fellow mommies make complete arsinators out of themselves though. If anything, Nicola had all the women beat simply because she had TWO. That's like one zillion times harder, dontcha know. She could have easily gloated, but she didn't. She's classy, unlike most of the mom population.

When Grahm and I have kids (long, long way away), remind me not to turn into a mom-ster. They're annoying and a little bit frightening.

26 comments:

Dina Fox said...

How can I totally love you and not even have met you? You rock. Hug Grahm for me.

Laura Nelson said...

too funny! i cracked up at the "your vagina is lined with gold" part! oh my goodness!

Lauren said...

bahaha! as always, you provide the best visuals :)

Lauren said...

Ah too funny! And how I know this so well :S Well not from personal experience. NO kids here. BUT we do have a "friend" who became a mom-ster. I never knew a person could be so condescending about things like where you had the baby or what food he/she eats. So not looking forward to that part :S As much as I'd want to share all my lovely baby things on my blog (in the very far future that is!), I think you'd get more criticism over that topic than anything else!
Hope you had a great day otherwise ;)
Lauren

Jes said...

boob buffets and gold laden vaginas??? i kind of want to be part of this club. but not really. but kind of :)

Tea said...

This is hilarious! Ha! I love the idea of being a nanny. Get all the positive perks and get to hand them back to their parents!

Kristen Danielle said...

You never fail to make me laugh out loud. Cute twins!

Melanie said...

OMGosh. This is the best post I have read today! The golden VaJJ lough out loud!

Thanks for the sweet comment today! LOVE your blog, I must follow ya now)

Carlie said...

haha love the description of the buffet!

Those little twins are too cute! I wish I were watching cute babies all day...though I don't mind missing the poop explosions!

Miranda said...

yep they are annoying and i so hope i am not one of them (or turn into one of them!) i literally cannot stand moms who brag about natural drug-free childbirth. and because i had a c-section ( my son was upside down...no way around it) i am less of a mother. i could complain all day :)

Kristin said...

I think my entire favorite line of this blog post was "Obviously your vagina, Mrs. Mom, is lined with gold." I seriously just snorted out loud. But I totally agree!

Blayne Royse said...

Thanks for the shout out.

Hearing a woman say she had a natural birth is impressive for three seconds.

I had an epidural---and IT WAS AWESOME.

:)

SKYPE MEH.

Alana Christine said...

bahahahaha. This is great! Hope you don't have to hang out with those mom-sters anymore!

Erin said...

Youuuuuu are amazing! I've gotta stop reading your posts at work because I laugh WAY too loud in my office and eventually someone is going to catch on that its NOT work related ;) I do NOT look forward to having other moms pile all their "oh-so-impressive" wisdom on me when we have kids!

Elle said...

Haha loved this. What a nightmare! Why are women so competitive? First it's about engagement rings (who has the biggest one) and then weddings (who spent the most money) and then babies (who is the best mom!). Ridiculous. I'm with you and never becoming a mom-ster. Maybe I'll just never become a mom and make it even easier ;)

Lauren said...

Hahahaa you seriously crack me up! My last nanny family... THEIR mom was the "all natuaral" type. I saw her boobs more times than I can count!

xo

Brittany Dawn said...

You are too funny! I can't wait to have a baby, but I don't want to be a crazy mom!

Michelle said...

Hilarious! I'm not a mom, but I've heard all about this infamous club. The future momsters in my life better be prepared for a snarkfest from me. Because I will not even deal with it! I nannied in college and when I took the girls to preschool in the morning (a christian school, fyi), the moms would make comments about how they weren't dressed in smocked/monogrammed outfits like their girls. No joke. So I purposely let them wear mismatched outfits just to ruffle some feathers.

The golden vajayjay line was...well...golden. I've read so many blogs about the superwoman natural births and cloth diapering and other such crap. I think you should print this and hand it out to those women.

poptartyogini said...

This post rings so true. Our neighborhood is full of young families and I refuse to go to the block party. We don't have kids and get to pleasure in hearing people talk ad nauseum about theirs. At least you are with the super mama in class who had two at the same time and is nice!

Kathy B. said...

So glad you're enjoying your new job! Minus the occasional urine spray and howling attacks, it all sounds absolutely grand! I couldn't agree with you more here either! Gold plated vaginas and boob buffets?! No thankkaaayou!

The mum you're working for definitely sounds like a classy lady. I'm sure you'll be in the same as league as her when you eventually bring life into this world via your love canal....... WINK. Xx

marie said...

Funny as always, you must be so tired at the end of the day, nothing is more draining than caring for kids, and 2 little ones? Crazy.

Just so you know when you have a baby, who will of course be adorable seeing you and your husband, you will think he/she is the greatest most blessed child there ever was :)

anna.montana said...

Your writing style is my favorite! You never fail to crack me up. So glad I found your blog!

http://findyourviewpoint.blogspot.com/

taylorlsteele said...

Dying! You are a doll! Newest follower :)

Marie said...

HAHA! yeah I hate momsters too. That's a really good word for them ;P

Lauren Gardner said...

love this post!

Katie said...

Reading this well over a year later (don't judge me for stalking, I am bored at work), this is your official reminder to not turn into a mom-ster. Although, I find it hard to believe that you could ever be anything but sweet.