make your own sunshine

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Why is this so hard sometimes?
I'm not exactly solving E=MC squared (who would want to anyway?), or curing cancer. It's simply a choice. Be glad. Choosing to be happy in spite of the circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Blessed doesn't even begin to cover it. So many people have "tougher than toenails" situations to deal with, and they're handling it so much better than I am. All I am is lonely.

But you know those days where you just don't feel like it? You see the wonderfulness of your life, yet you still feel still want to curl up in a ball, listen to depressing music (Bon Iver), and eat your weight in fudge? 

My mom used to have this phrase she would say to us every day before school: Make your own sunshine.

I haven't been listening to dear old mom the past few days. Instead I've been living in FeelSorryForMyselfville, population Me. It's a plethora of little things, really. I miss my family, my sweet friends, my home in Oklahoma. I guess I kinda thought that by now we would have new friends, a new church, and be pretty well acclimated in Texas. 

It's wonderful to have your best friend always with you. Grahm has this weird way of always being exactly what I need. Last night we had a lot of fun goofing around and making fun of people on The Voice. Despite the fun we always have together, we want company. Anyone really. We aren't picky.

It's hard finding friends outside of college. I almost find myself wanting to go back, so I can truly appreciate the community I had at OU.

I realize I'm being ridiculous. People deal with a lot of crap much better than me... but this is how I'm feeling. And sometimes it helps to write about it, no matter how absurd Im being. Today I don't feel like making my own sunshine, but maybe tomorrow I will.  

21 comments:

L-Kat said...

Awww, sweetie, you're a ray of sunshine for all your readers. Now make some of that sunshine for yourself. :) Be patient - you guys will find a great church and good friends. Hang in there, girl!

Liz Brown said...

I know how you feel!

And I know you'll be OK. My mom says often the best thing a newly married couple can do is move somewhere completely new ... it makes them cling to each other and become pretty much one person. :) It sounds like you two are doing just that.

Lauren said...

Everyone has days like you are having :( and it's ok!! Sure, the things you have bothering you might not be crazy-hard in comparison to battles other people are facing - but it doesn't matter. They are your obstacles... And some I am SURE you two will overcome. You two seem like fantstically fun people, so I can't imagine you will have a hard time kicking these loneliness blues. Until then, you have virtual blog friends to vent to and support you. Just keep pouring out the sunshine :)

lori said...

you are not being ridiculous in the least... i recently moved for the hubs job and have been on the hunt for employment myself. for the first few months it was REALLY hard. while i love our new city, i was lonely. i missed my friends, my family, my social calendar.

in the past few months we have found a church we love and it brings SO much joy to my week. i have signed up to volunteer with the babies, trying to get involved.

i also found a blog friend that lived near me and had my first blate... she introduced me to a great nonprofit organization that is a wonderful way to meet friends and make a difference too. maybe theres something like that in your area?

sorry to write you a book, but i really just want to say it will come. just try to keep putting yourself out there!

lo @ crazy ever after said...

Doesn't it feel better to get these sorts of feelings out there. It's cathartic. I think you a brave little lady. I left my family and lived in GA for six months. I moved there for a guy. That guy was not my husband. It was sooooo hard and I didn't last. But you. You are different. I know that your current career choice can be isolating at times. Ok. A lot of times. Make sure to seek out opportunities to network with other nannies for playdates and outings. And when you're not at work with the babes, look for fun activities to partake in. I know. Easier said than done. A small group at church can do wonders. Jesse and I need to find a church too.

Brittany Dawn said...

I know how you feel. I'm moving to South Dakota (from Indiana) next month and I'm scared it will take forever to find a church and friend! Thankfully I know a few people up there!

Carlie said...

I totally know where you are coming from because this happened to me when I moved to Dallas. It took a bit of time, but I am starting to feel like this is "home" now. I hope you find a church soon bc that makes all the difference-at least it did for me, because then I was able to invite couple are age over for dinners and such. Anyways, I would totally be your friend in real life if I lived in San Antonio! Too bad it is a 6 hour drive!

Brittany said...

You have friends here even if we are "virtual friends"! Your posts make my day! I love how upbeat and silly they are!

Andrea said...

I can totally relate to this, as I'm unemployed right now & some days are just much harder then the rest.

But I love your mom's saying, "Make your own sunshine." Something I will try to keep in mind, going forward!

Keep your head up, everything will come together & we're all here to support you! = )

Becky Borgman said...

Sorry you are feeling blue :-( When I am feeling down I always look forward to going to sleep. That may not be the right attitude because it means I am wasting the remainder of the day, but that is what I do because 90% of the time I wake up out of my funk.

I hope having us "blog" friends tell you how much we love your blog and hearing from you on here helps! Eat some ice cream and curl up on the couch with your hubby tonight if you can.

The Greers said...

I wish I had some advice, except that we often feel this exact same way after two years out of school. Its so hard to find community out of college. I know exactly how you feel. :(

Gig-ee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gig-ee said...

It will get much better, but it does take time...lots of time, to feel the "community" aspect you are needing. After we moved to Sulphur Springs, it took a couple of years before I really felt like I knew lots of people and felt a network of sorts through church, school, job, etc. This is quite normal and we've all been there! Hang in there and have a pity party now and then!

Lindsey said...

I'm definitely with you. We've lived in SC two months now and I haven't met anyone. I don't have a job yet so I haven't had the opportunity to meet anyone like that, but it really sucks. Good luck to you. If I lived in Texas I'd be your friend. =]

Stephen Carradini said...

This is pretty much how the '20s go, as I've heard from talking to people and have witnessed myself. Keep your head up, keep a quiet time, and indeed make your own sunshine.

MessyDirtyHair said...

i know how that can be. after college its like what huh now what?! there will always be tough days, keep your head up! its ok to be bitter betty every once and while!

xx Kelly

Robin said...

I hear ya. During college I had my group of friends and sorority sisters, and then I graduated, moved back to new york and feel like I left my whole life behind. But you are hilarious and seem so sweet, so keep your head up and things will get better! Give it some time, and be so thankful you have your wonderful hubby in the meantime!

Jenna said...

It really is SO difficult to make new friends after college! We've been in Jo'burg for over two years now and only in the past 6 months or so have we started to fit into a friendship circle. But, like you said, at least you have each other :)

I know how you feel, but I promise the feeling will go away within a couple of days, if that's any consolation :)

xxx
Jenna

Erin said...

GIRL- you are not being ridiculous. I hear that. I live in the town my hubs has always lived in now. It's only about an hour from where I grew up, but I still don't feel like it's home. Visits with friends have to scheduled weeks in advance... I miss being close to friends/family. Although J has awesome cousins and friends we hang out with, it's just not the same and I miss my girlfriends a lot!

Keep you chin up girl, things will fall into place and you guys are too cool not to have new friends SOOOON! :)

Lauren said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way! I don't have many girlfriends anymore either! Ever since we got married I've drifted apart from some of my closest friends! It stinks... don't feel bad for being sad! I hope you guys can find a home church and couple friends to hang out with!!

Lots of love!

xo

Second Hand Rose said...

I think we always get like this sometimes, so don't beat yourself up about feeling like this. Is there anything around where you live that you can go to? Maybe try and snoop on your neighbours and see if there is anyone you could hang out with. Keep smiling honey and like some of your readers have said, you are a ray of sunshine to us all. XxxX http://thesecondhandrose.blogspot.co.uk/