The "Marvels" of Men

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Listen. I've been living with a boy for over six months now. (Applause, applause.) Let me tell you, it's no picnic. Besides the fact that Grahm is freakin' adorable, puts up with all my shenanigans (like moaning and groaning last night about making dinner until he finally had to cook), and makes life altogether wonderful... men are gross. With a capitol GR.

I have a brother, a dad (don't we all?), and a husband so these things aren't exactly comin' out of my Coach purse. These are documented observations. Research, if you will. This doesn't mean I don't love them, it just means.... ew.

1. Hair. Next to a wild herd (fleet?) of gorillas, men are the hairiest creatures. For real. It's everywhere! Their toes. Their pits. Their rumps. Their chests. Their backs. I just physically don't understand how that's possible. Granted us ladies shave, but EVEN if we didn't... I wouldn't have such unruly bristles sprouting up every which way. My mom says Gram is only going to get worse over time (except on his actual head) ... Joy.

2. Towel/Sheets. I think if it were up to men, these items would never get washed. I mean, seriously. Grahm would be hunky-dorey-A-okay if he used the same towel to dry off in the morning for weeks. "It's clean, babe. I'm clean when I use it." No, no, noooo. Same goes for sheets. I asked him once if he ever washed his sheets when he was in college. Mistake. Apparently, once or twice a year is good enough. Can you imagine wearing the same underwear every day for a year and only washing them when it fancies ya? It's the same thing... basically. Maybe I should send my little brother some new sheets, just in case he follows in his hygiene-questionable brother-in-law's footsteps.

3. Poop time. Why is this such a treat? You'd think they were getting massaged in there or something by how long they always drag the process out. I mean, what in the world takes so long? My dad does the crossword in there. Grahm does his best "thinking" time on his "throne." I can think of so many more comfortable places in our house to do those things. They also don't involve dropping your drawers... or anything else. ;)

There are millions more things that I'll probably never understand about the other gender. If I ever start to  "get it," somebody save me. For writing this post, I'm sure the Lord is going to "Bless" my loins with an abundance of boys. Though I may not be able to stop hair from growing everywhere or shorten their poop sessions, my children WILL have fresh towels and sheets. I'm just sayin'.

16 comments:

Kacey Batterton said...

Boys are very gross. Even the clean ones are a little smelly. It's just their nature.

I have girlfriends whose husbands call them into the bathroom after an especially, uh, productive sitting session, just to show off the massive amount of you-know-what in the bowl. What?! My husband does NOT do this, but apparently, it's pretty common. Very animalistic and boy-like. But then, we are attracted to them . . .

Britt @ The Magnolia Pair said...

Oh my gosh, you had me laughing SO HARD! I have the exact thoughts! Are we twins lol? I did a wife revolt last night on cooking and eventually Joel said, I guess were going to chick-fil-a!
And omg, poop time is exactly the same! My favorite is right before we leave for dinner after I've spent the last hour primping, we are about to walk out the door and he says "I've got to go to the bathroom" and takes about 10 minutes each time!!
MEN....grrrr

Love this post!!

Carlie said...

haha my husband says the same thing about the towels! I'm like they need to be cleaned weekly, and he doesn't agree. Luckily I win out on that tug-o-cleanliness!

brittany kuhn said...

oh geez girl! I am seriously laughing out loud at work right now after reading that!!!! Everything is so true. I don't live with my fiance yet but living with my Dad and brother I already can relate to all of this. My brother is the same way with sheets and I am pretty sure he would live without even having sheets on his bed...ummm GROSS!!! I don't know what is but like Kacey said We still love em!

Liz Brown said...

...

I am 'shamed to say, I sometimes forget to change my sheets regularly. AND I re-use towels on occasion.

But I grew up with 4 brothers, and that alone was enough to convince me that the males are just different. Hardwired different. Theres no fixing it. So I laugh at them instead. :D

L-Kat said...

This post is so dead on. And I'm a clean freak, so when I have a guy over (whether it's Dad or Brother or a friend) I notice EVERY little thing they do or don't notice. Like when they wash their hands there is water ALL over the place. And they just leave it there to evaporate and leave water spots on my sink. Or when they just tromp through my apartment tracking in mud and dirt. Um, hello? Take your shoes off? Or when they leave beer/pop cans/bottles just sitting out on my coffee table until there is a mondo collection. Um, if you are going to open a new one, bring your empty to the kitchen at least. I'm always following them around cleaning. Maybe it's a good thing I'm single. :)

Lauren said...

Ryan drives me up the wall sometimes with his shenanigans, and other times impresses (er, surprises!) me with spasms of cleanliness. He takes his iPod into the bathroom when he does his business and plays games on it. So during these times, I hear loud gun-shoot-em-up noises radiating from behind the door. Boys.......

Mrs. Robinson said...

hahaha! Laughing-Out-Loud. You def just described my husband...and I was pretty sure that he was the exception. Thanks for crashing my hopes & dreams plane by telling me that's he's actually living in accordance with the rule. Ew. Boys are gross. This was hilarious.

Shaylynn... I BLAHWG. said...

"Poop time. Why is this such a treat? You'd think they were getting massaged in there or something by how long they always drag the process out"

that is going to be the funniest thing I hear all day long. period.

lo @ crazy ever after said...

We have been late arriving to places because Jesse has decided he needs to poop. Really? I have made him give me his phone before going in there. He likes to play poker on his phone and poop at the same time. No. One thing at a time. At least when you're popping. Focus on the task at hand. Or the task as bum.

lo @ crazy ever after said...

Oh and yes, little Asian masseuses come out from behind the shower curtain while the guys are popping. They massage their feet. And do other things. Don't ask me how I know this. OK. It's cuz I was Asian in my last lifetime.

anna.montana said...

This just made my day. So funny!

Elle said...

Hahahaa. I especially love the pooping one- "Why is this such a treat?" Seriously! What does take so dang long?! Ridiculous.

Robin said...

This is so true! I wash my boyfriend's towels whenever I visit him because I don't want to know what's happened to them since the last time I was there! I have 4 months until I have to live with a boy...good to know what else to look forward to (or not). ;)

Second Hand Rose said...

Such a funny post! I totally agree with you about all of it! The hair thing is so annoying, especially when they shave, they leave it all in the sink! My brother makes the bathroom so dirty, how hard is it to rinse the sink and shower!? They are happy to wear boxers inside out for 2 days, so it's no surprise they never change their sheets! XxxX http://thesecondhandrose.blogspot.co.uk/

Becky Borgman said...

I became a follower after I read number 3...awesome and I can SOOOO relate! I posted on my blog about how many magazines and journals my husband keeps next to the toilet and I just don't get it. Last week I saw him grab his bible as he walked into the bathroom. Love your blog and glad I stumbled upon it!