2. I promise I'm not schizophrenic. (That's a hard word to spell.)
2. I really need a job.
3. Yes, my life is actually this
4. Did I mention I need a job?
Good day, mate. What can I do for you on this fine top of the morning to ya?
Remember that one time you said you were gonna start running again? I think it was like January 1 or some other goal-setting day in your life, since you have those quite frequently. You're so aspirational.
Running? That doesn't really sound like me.
Yes, you're right. But you still made the resolution, my
La la la chocolate ice cream la la la.
Ice cream is liquid cellulite, my friend.... Besides working out is good for you.
But I'm too pretty to sweat.
Says the girl with the Michelin Man arms.
Don't make me go all Jillian Michael's on your flabby buns. Now, go put on a cute workout outfit. The kind that makes you feel way more legit than you actually are.
Perfect. Those jazz hands are top-notch. Now show me the guns.
Sheeesh. Well, we'll get to those dinner-lady fun bags later. Right now we need to work on your face. You look like someone is about to give you a puppy. I need you to look like you're about to eat it.
No, gross. I'm talking about the pounds, the sweat, your laziness. EAT it!
A little too Captain Hook, but I can work with that. Now it's time for stretches. You need to put a quality stretch in before you run that ONE grueling mile.
You look like a cheerleader on crack.
But look how high my leg goes!
I'm only slightly impressed. Now get loose. Try movin' around. Shake what your mamma gave ya.
What in the name of your foopa was that?
I was trying to do the Superman dat Ho dance.
I'm going to choose to ignore that. Now go charge up the ol' ipod and pick an exhilarating song, preferably one that doesn't have the word "HO" in it.
There goes my Christmas playlist.
This Aerosmith song just really makes you think about all the potential creepers out there watching people sleep.
Just get into it.
"Just to seee you dreaaaammmmin!!!"
Not that into it. You're scaring people.
Before you leave for the gym, don't forget to fuel up! A runner's best friend is his water bottle.
Umm. That's not water.
It's only got 10 calories. Same thing.
**********************16 minutes later***********************
The treadmill hates me. So does that wrinkly old lady who was next to me. I've got more fat in my left butt cheek than she has in her entire body.
They hate you because it took your rump that long to run 1.5 miles. But hey, good job. You actually started your resolution.
Oh and Jena?
Next time you force me to have this conversation with you, don't take pictures of yourself in the kitchen. The world already knows you're a fatty, no need broadcasting it.