A conversation with myself

Saturday, January 21, 2012

1. I apologize in advance for this post.
2. I promise I'm not schizophrenic. (That's a hard word to spell.)
2. I really need a job.
3. Yes, my life is actually this exciting.
4. Did I mention I need a job?
-----------------
Hey, Jena.
Good day, mate. What can I do for you on this fine top of the morning to ya?
Remember that one time you said you were gonna start running again? I think it was like January 1 or some other goal-setting day in your life, since you have those quite frequently. You're so aspirational.


Running? That doesn't really sound like me.

Yes, you're right. But you still made the resolution, my little recently-expanding friend. We were all here to witness it.



La la la chocolate ice cream la la la.

Ice cream is liquid cellulite, my friend.... Besides working out is good for you.

But I'm too pretty to sweat.

Says the girl with the Michelin Man arms.

:(

Don't make me go all Jillian Michael's on your flabby buns. Now, go put on a cute workout outfit. The kind that makes you feel way more legit than you actually are.



Like this?

Perfect. Those jazz hands are top-notch. Now show me the guns.


Sheeesh. Well, we'll get to those dinner-lady fun bags later. Right now we need to work on your face. You look like someone is about to give you a puppy. I need you to look like you're about to eat it.


The puppy?!


No, gross. I'm talking about the pounds, the sweat, your laziness. EAT it!


Arrrg!


A little too Captain Hook, but I can work with that. Now it's time for stretches. You need to put a quality stretch in before you run that ONE grueling mile. 


You look like a cheerleader on crack.

But look how high my leg goes!

I'm only slightly impressed. Now get loose. Try movin' around. Shake what your mamma gave ya.


What in the name of your foopa was that?

I was trying to do the Superman dat Ho dance.

I'm going to choose to ignore that. Now go charge up the ol' ipod and pick an exhilarating song, preferably one that doesn't have the word "HO" in it.

There goes my Christmas playlist.


This Aerosmith song just really makes you think about all the potential creepers out there watching people sleep.

Just get into it.


"Just to seee you dreaaaammmmin!!!"

Not that into it. You're scaring people.
Before you leave for the gym, don't forget to fuel up! A runner's best friend is his water bottle.


Got it!

Umm. That's not water.

It's only got 10 calories. Same thing. 

**********************16 minutes later***********************


The treadmill hates me. So does that wrinkly old lady who was next to me. I've got more fat in my left butt cheek than she has in her entire body.

They hate you because it took your rump that long to run 1.5 miles. But hey, good job. You actually started your resolution.

Oh and Jena?

Now what?

Next time you force me to have this conversation with you, don't take pictures of yourself in the kitchen. The world already knows you're a fatty, no need broadcasting it. 

Oy.

32 comments:

Sar said...

If by "schizophrenia" you mean "ADHD"... ;)

I kid, I kid. If that's what you think "flabby buns" look like, girl, I pray you never see me in a bathing suit.

Also, shit, your guns are amaaazing!

Alana Christine said...

bahahaha. LOVED this! You are too cute!

Christina said...

You are adorable! Love this post. I think I need to have this convo with myself.

Jax said...

LMAO I love this post!! Hysterical...Don't make me go Jillian on your flabby buns??? I cracked up at that one.

Liz Brown said...

I lol'ed :) I pretty much do this in my head every day. Except I never thought to record it for posterity :D I should.

Jeanna said...

Haha you are so precious!! This was hilarious... I need to get to running, too. Except... i'm not a runner... Problem :-/

wHiT said...

Omg you are hilarious!
-wHiT

Sarah @ 90 Percent Blonde... said...

Oh goodness - best post of the month! You are too funny!

Ashley said...

Omg this is hysterical!! You absolutely crack me up! What in the name of your foopa was that? HAHAHAHA

prettymeggy said...

oh gosh you're so funny!!! this is absolutely cool post :)
hope you're having a nice weekend!!! xoxo, Haus of Gala

Allison said...

Haha...this is my first time visiting your blog and I love you already! Now following. :) And I'm reading the Night Circus too! What do you think??

smalltown20something said...

That was seriously hilarious!

Miranda said...

you are too funny! love all the different expressions you have lol

Krista Lynn said...

hahaha! This is how my mind works when I'm trying to convince myself to work out. !! Loved this!!

Nikki said...

LOL! I feel like I'm always having to talk myself into getting my butt to the gym too :)

Michelle said...

You always make me laugh, Jenna! Way to actually run! I'm sitting here eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's...so you're one up on me!

Karla said...

hahah your facial expressions are priceless! You're too cute thank you for giving me a good laugh!

lo @ crazy ever after said...

I know you're not fat. YOU know you're not fat. Quit with the fat jokes. You're making us more voluptuous gals feel like a two ton Tilly. I would kill have what you gots. Good job with the running, though. Keep it up. :)

Kathy B. said...

You babe! This made me smile so much! xXx

Krista Lynn said...

P.S. I just tagged you on a question game post on my blog =)

Tarrah Clausnitzer said...

Too funny! Awesome that your following through on a goal but YOU are NOT fat girl.

Lauren said...

This just made my day...or I guess it was technically my "middle of the night" since I read this while feeding Elyse at like 2:30am! ha! thanks for providing some middle of the night entertainment!

Bekah said...

you are out of conTROL! hahaha! I can't even handle you!!

chestnutmocha said...

oh wow! so stretchy!

Ashley said...

Too funny! I totally need to get motivated too!!

I am a new follower!

Feel free to stop by sometime and say hello! I also have a give away going on right now!

Kasey Lynne said...

If I could do something hilarious and fun like this before a workout, I would do it everyday!

Too cute!

And girl...you are not flabby in any way! I'm sure your thighs are as my as my forearms!

Nagehan said...

Omg! You're so skinny! So shut your mouth when you're talking to me about being fat! :p silly!

Madeline Grace said...

First off, you're adorable and this is post is why I am following you.
Second of all, you're not flabby! You're awesome!

-Madeline Grace
http://withlovemadelinegrace.blogspot.com

jillian nicole said...

You are ridiculously adorable! So funny to hear how other people try to talk themselves into working out too!:) and just to echo what everyone else said--you're like the least, flabbiest person EVER!

lucia m said...

love it!!!

www.aroundlucia.com
www.aroundlucia.com

Berni said...

I just discovered your blog and I love it!! This post had me in stitches, hilarious! I'm following right now :)

Rachel said...

Can't handle this hahaha funniest post ever. We'd totally be bffs in real life. LOVE.