The Breakfast of Champions

Thursday, January 26, 2012

If you walked into my kitchen right now, you would get a nice whiff of the lingering aroma of bacon (kind of).

Last night I thought I'd make Grahm some delicious brinner (breakfast for dinner) cause that kid loves pancakes more than his delightful wife (only half true). This is funny because he's skinnier than a rail (seriously, there's no differentiation between his thigh and his calf). The fluffy goodness of pancakes doesn't go to his fluffy parts (because he doesn't have any) like it does with me. So I try to limit the number of pancakes and bacon I make in our household.

Confession time: I do this mainly because... I really struggle with making breakfast food.

Now we all know from past POSTS that I'm a class act when it comes to serving up meals. It's like I have the golden touch when a whisk (I own no such thing) is in my hand. Delectableness effortlessly pops out of my oven every night. (I sit on a throne of lies, my friends.)

But bacon is deceitful.
Everyone likes bacon so you're easily swayed in the grocery store to buy it. You whip it out of the fridge  thinking, "Oh, I'll just throw this on the stove and call it delicious."

Here's the problem. Grahm likes his bacon crispy ("Babe I just wanna know the pig's dead when I eat it.") not chewy like me. And crispy bacon is infinitely more difficult to cook.

There's a terrifying line of burning the pig and it comin' out with the perfect crunch factor. I decided last night that I'll never be able to master it. I tried looking for the "signs" that it was ready to come out of the greasy pan, but I got distracted with flipping the pancakes.

Let's just say I tangoed with the line of burnt or perfectly crispy, and I tangoed too long. The meat started curling into a blackened mess to a point where the bacon was no longer recognizable.

The smoke alarms may or may not have gone off.
"Babe what are you doing!?"
"WAHHHHH. I'm trying to make delicious bacon but it's SOOO hard!"

He still ate the few edible pieces I was somehow able to save from a greasy death, even pretendeding to like it the cardboard-like meat. (I tell ya, I picked a winner.)

I thought the night was over and I couldn't possibly embarrass myself anymore...
but then I make or may not have poured bacon grease down the drain, which (according to Grahm) you're not supposed to do.

So needless to say, the Roaches will not be partaking in brinner anytime soon. Darn you, pigs.

30 comments:

A party and A HALF said...

Bacon is hard because you can never really tell how cooked it is until you take it off the stove and on a paper towel to "dry".

Meagan Bechtel said...

During our first year of marriage, I actually liquified bacon. Liquified. Did you know that could happen??

Erin said...

I'm cracking up at your post, the video and at Meagan's comment above mine... Never heard of liquified bacon!!!

wHiT said...

Have you ever made bacon in the oven? It's so much easier to cook and to clean up! :)
-wHiT

Evelien said...

Hilarious!
And I'd like some bacon now haha! Maybe I prefer making it myself, but you can make the pancakes, deal? ;)

Chelsea L said...

You Won You Won You Won! Hehe just 3 people entered my giveaway so I let you all win!! YAY!!

jillian nicole said...

Hahaha, this is hysterical! I, for one, had no idea you could liquefy bacon!:) would love to hear the story behind this!

jillian nicole said...

Husbands that eat burnt food and don't mind the fire alarm are definite keepers!:)

Allison said...

Hahahaha...I was cracking up watching that video. "Those are some f*ing fancy pancakes." Pancakes and I usually aren't friends either.

Emily said...

Solution (I had to find one because I'm too impatient to fry bacon on the stove): get a broiler pan and cook the bacon on that in the oven at 350 for 30-45 minutes (until crispy) = no weird curly shapes, crisp bacon, and the grease drains down into the lower level of the pan. Winning!

Liz Brown said...

From the title, I totally expected the post to end with you serving up Wheaties for brinner, instead of pancakes and bacon. :P

Bekah said...

Crystal Mayhue showed me those videos... hilarious!!

Amy said...

Oh I actually love bacon when it is burnt! :) It's nice and crispy!

Tom said...

Brinner is awesome.

L-Kat said...

I'll admit: I'm not a huge fan of traditional breakfast foods, but I'm with you: if I eat bacon I don't like it to be crispy. Ick.

Karla said...

WOW she is too funny.. I literally sat here and watched all of her videos!Thanks for sharing!

Tea said...

This is what we do too! Best way to cook bacon!

lo @ crazy ever after said...

I don't think my bacon can be burnt enough. Love me the crispies.

Kylie said...

Ha! That bacon looks delicious! ;)

PS- I am tagging you in a post tomorrow, check it out and join in, if you'd like!

http://livinginamitten.blogspot.com/

Blayne Royse said...

put that bacon in the oven baby!

Gig-ee said...

Bacon is tough to get just right in early years of cooking. Just remember, it will continue to cook after you remove it from the pan. The oven idea works well. But a better idea is to tell your sweetie that y'all are having brinner and for the best timing, could he cook the bacon while you make the pancakes. We've done it that way for years now. Loved the post and Grahm is just as lucky as you are!

Crystal said...

This post was hilarious! I can totally relate. My hubby likes his bacon on the chewy side so I have to stand over it, daring myself not to get splattered in the process, and watch the bacon slowly taunt me while it's cooking. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I miss the "bacon window" and it ends up on the crispy side. That bacon can be so sneaky!

Jamie Leigh said...

haha I love this! You sound just like me in the kitchen!

Megan @ Tales of an HBS Wife said...

oh my goodness, I love my drunk kitchen! Good luck with the bacon!

Shalyn said...

You are downright HILARIOUS- loved reading this! I just make my hubby make his own bacon or get the kind that goes right in the microwave. Laziness definitely gets you places;-)

Nagehan said...

I'm kosher and J isn't. Our deal was that I will not make anything that isn't kosher. So, I make turkey bacon. From what I hear it's easier to cook than regular bacon because it has more protein. It still gets crispy but it's really hard to burn it. :) xoxoxo

marie said...

I am with your husband, the crispier the better. And just wait until you have kids, they have the fastest metabolism ever and you will have to watch them, along with your husband, eat all day long, literally. So unfair.

Jenn. said...

Everytime I see this post I want bacon. Actually, as soon as I saw the picture I had my husband run to get bacon. Then I continued to read the post. :)

xo kelsey said...

Bacon is delicious but DANGEROUS! I'm not sure if it's a "me" problem, but I always get sprayed from the burning grease popping off from it! Sometimes the craving just isn't worth it. Wahhh! :(

Alyssa said...

So I love your blog and have been reading back and found this! True story: the only way I cook my bacon (of any kind from the store) is in the microwave. Here's the secret formula: one microwave safe plate, one piece of paper towel, bacon (4-5 slices per plate), another piece of paper towel. The usual time is one minute per slice. However, if you have a high powered microwave, start smaller than that, maybe 30 seconds a slice then increase if needed. Perfectly crispy, never burned (unless you forget that other microwaves might not like your bacon conversion!)