Over here in the Roach house, we aren’t exactly Grooges. (My version of a Grinch and Scrooge mash-up, the ultimate seasonal grumpasaurus.) But we can’t help but notice the funny/ridiculous Christmas lyrics, movies, and traditions that you encounter this time of year. My better half helped me think of some of these Christmas conundrums.
1. The ox and ass kept time – First, you’re the drummer boy, shouldn’t you be keeping the beat? And second, I’m pretty sure the only thing that these wildabeasts were keepin’ track of was the hay. Move over baby Jesus, we’re hungry.
2. Charlie Brown Christmas – Quite possibly the worst animation to date topped with some seriously whiny voiceovers and mediocre (at best) plotlines... is, for some reason, a Christmas “must see.”
3. Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer – Since apparently an old fat guy living at the North Pole and flying around the world in a sleigh isn’t far fetched enough, lets top it off with a highly credible tale of how having a light bulb nose is not only super practical, but will also make you cool.
4. Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” – I’ve listened to this song approximately 1223.08 times already this season, and it still hasn’t gotten old. This song is kinda like Taylor Swift to me. It’s embarrassing to admit we love it/her so much, but we all know we crank up the volume when it/she comes on the radio.
5. Carol of the Bells –Why is one of the most epic Christmas songs merely about what bells sound like?
6. “Gosh your lips look delicious” – Excuse me? Are my lips a tasty snack for you to munch on? No, creepy seducer man. They are not. I’ve already told you “I really can’t stay,” now let me go home for Pete’s sake!
7. Mistletoe – Why is it acceptable to kiss randos under the mistletoe, but no other time? If I were still single, I would dry a piece of mistletoe after this Christmas and always carry it in my pocket, just in case I happen upon a ridiculously good lookin’ individual. I’d whip it out and plant my delectable lips on theirs. They couldn’t even complain. It’s mistletoe, after all.
8. The twelve days of Christmas – False. There is only one day of Christmas. That’s why it's called Christmas Day instead of Hanukkah and a Half. And don’t get me started on a partridge in a pear tree.
9. Let's be honest, no body wants a hippopotamus, especially for Christmas.
10. Figgy pudding – it’s up for debate as to what’s more unbelievable, the fact that the carolers demanded this grody snack, or that this family just happened to have some laying around.